The day I found out my son had been watching pornography was the worst mom day of my life. Thankfully, in the decade since then, he’s recovered from this addiction, and God has healed me from the heartache, guilt, and loneliness I experienced.
Because of our family’s journey, I’ve researched online dangers, taught teens about screen time risks, and talked with many parents who’ve been hurt by a child’s unwanted behaviors. I’ve learned that technology, the good and bad, is here to stay. We can’t avoid it or ignore it. Instead, we as parents, grandparents, and leaders must recognize the role it plays and empower our children to make proper choices while online.
Don’t Be Afraid
One of the biggest concerns parents express is broaching topics like pornography because they fear it may cause their children to Google it. Therefore, that fear keeps them from warning their children about the dangers lurking beneath their fingertips.
While understandable, avoiding the subject will not protect them. The average age children are first exposed to pornography is between eight and twelve. They’re typically exposed in one of three ways:
- naturally curious, they intentionally search for something like “sex”
- a friend shows them
- they find it accidentally
The pornography industry preys on children and hides behind every social media app, search bar, and gaming device. Thankfully, parents can empower their children to look away, tell their friends “No” and choose healthy relationships.
Proverbs warns, “The wise are cautious and avoid danger; fools plunge ahead with reckless confidence” (Proverbs 14:16 NLT). We don’t want our children mindlessly scrolling without guidance and restrictions.
As you prepare for these conversations, pray for God’s peace and wisdom. Ask Him for strength and courage. He faithfully walks with us. His word says, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10 NLT).
Maintain Ongoing Conversations
There are filters parents can place on Wi-Fi routers, phones, and other devices, as well as parental controls. But our best line of offense and defense is honest, ongoing conversations so our children learn we aren’t afraid to talk about sex, the dangers of pornography, and online influences. They will see us as experts and trusted adults willing to discuss awkward subjects. They learn we are on their side and want what is best for them.
As you interact with your children, remain calm and use loving tones. Your voice and body language should reflect your desire to come alongside them and work with them in tackling the online world. When approaching difficult conversations, be curious. Ask questions about what they already know and allow your chats to flow from there. If you learn they’ve been exposed to porn or involved in other unhealthy behaviors, try not to be shocked or overreact.
Use daily events to spark conversations. When hearing song lyrics, watching movies, or listening to the news, ask your child their thoughts. Throughout various discussions, sprinkle in consequences of watching pornography. It’s objectifying, violent, unrealistic, and addictive. It distorts our view of sex and ruins relationships, as well as changing how someone feels about themselves. This contradicts God’s intention for sexual intimacy (within the marriage relationship).
Connection is Key
As you parent, view your child as God views them: created in His image. Make an effort to know them more intimately as a person. Build bonds. Foster trust. Grow your relationship.
I’m grateful my son was brave enough to tell his dad and me about his pornography problem. That’s my goal for you, too. Talking openly with your children and cultivating a healthy relationship with them helps them see you as their ally. Therefore, when they experience struggles, they’re more apt to come to you.
Barb Winters is the founder of Hopeful Mom, a speaker, a certified Sexual Risk Avoidance Specialist and mental health coach, and the author of the award-winning book Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships. Learn more at HopefulMom.net.
